Sam Downing

To prepare for the recent release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2: The Lengthily Titled Sequel, my Significant Other and I spent one whole weekend watching all seven previous films. (Which is not as arduous as you’d think! Two on Friday night, three on Saturday, three on Sunday. It’s easy to be an obsessive nerd!¹)

So here are all the Harry Potter films ranked from worst to best. (Minus Deathly Hallows, Part 2. Needs time to settle before it can be given a proper rank.)

7. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Poor Chamber of Secrets, wedged between the freshness of the first instalment and the maturity of third. The best you can say about Chamber, really, is that it’s okay. (The worst you can say is merely “Dobby”.)² The book is notable because it has that “Harry destroys what later turns out to be the first of many horcruxes, and hey, isn’t it awesome how Jo Rowling included one even back then? She really did plan out the whole thing in advance! Neat!” thing going for it. Aside from that, it’s largely skippable and for completionists only – just read the Wikipedia summary.

In the film’s favour, the climax in the titular chamber has that bit where Harry clambers all over Salazar Slytherin’s face, a nice reference to the well-known scene from North by Northwest. Way to be creative and subtle, director Chris Columbus! Too bad you didn’t do that more often.

6. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

This one’s as bright and bland as its CG-rendered Quidditch stadium (currently battling it out with Firenze for the title of Worst Special Effect in the Entire Film Series and Possibly Cinema History). Columbus’s direction is servicable – he touches on all the most memorable bits in the book, but brings no depth to the wizarding world.

Here’s what I mean: one of the best scenes in Prisoner of Azkaban (aka Harry Potter and the First Film Not Directed by Chris Columbus) is the early one in the Leaky Cauldron where Mr Weasley warns Harry not to go chasing after Sirius Black. The foreground has basic plot-advancement. The background has a floating kettle pouring tea. In the background! Contrast that with the “HEY LOOK, THEY’RE USING MAGIC! RIGHT HERE! ACTUAL MAGIC! LOOOOOK AAAAAT IIIIIT!” tone in pretty much every scene of Philosopher’s Stone, and, yeah.

Meanwhile I imagine Dan Radcliffe never rewatches this one. He’s pretty terrible in it. Rupert Grint is the best of the trio – Emma Watson clearly graduated from Miss Perfect Enunciation’s Junior Academy of Annoying Acting the day before shooting commenced, though to her credit she nails the “What. An. Idiot” and “Levi-OH-sa” lines.

(PS, you can take your “Sorcerer’s Stone” and shove it, America.)

5. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1

Putting Deathly Hallows, Part 1 in fifth place is kind of harsh, since it implies it’s only barely better (not legions better) than Philosopher’s Stone. But something has to come fifth, so.

However it was adapted, Hallows was always going to suffer. The middle act is… camping. And arguing. In the woods. Hallows, Part 1 suffers even more greatly because it’s part one – the really good climax stuff isn’t even in it. It’s half a movie – exposition-heavy, action-light (pretty much the opposite of Deathly Hallows, Part 2).

That said, it’s still a great movie. Anything that includes the death of annoying house elf Dobby is automatically good!

4. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Goblet of Fire will always have a special place in my heart. I became a Harry Potter fan – a “Potterhead”! Is what some folks call it – right around the time this book was released. And then there was that epic million-year wait till the next book! So Goblet of Fire was the one you’d probe for clues about what the next instalment would be about. (Remember there was that thing where James came out of Voldemort’s wand first, or something, and everyone was like “THEORIES THEORIES THEORIES!”, and then it turned out J.K had just fucked up? Good times.)

Con: The movie goes light on Grubbly-Plank (who is clearly meant to be a lesbian?), who, for some reason, is one of my favourite minor characters in the series (possibly because she’s clearly meant to be a lesbian?).

Pro or con, depending on your perspective: Robert Pattinson’s in it, so I guess Twihards would love this movie the most out of all of them? Assuming being a Twihard is still a thing?

3. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

The climax of this film. Wow! It has several of my favourite scenes in the whole franchise. First: Dumbledore vs Voldemort! This is an even better wizard fight than the bit in Lord of the Rings where Saruman spins Gandalf around on his head! It’s just a shame it doesn’t go longer – if there’s one thing Harry Potter needs, it’s more epic wizard fights. Second: Fudge stumbling into the Ministry of Magic and gawping “He’s back! Voldemort’s back!” The first time I saw this movie the entire cinema hooted at what a dunderhead Fudge is after he said that, and it was one of those kind of neat collective viewing experiences. And third, my favourite: the flashbacks Harry has to his loved ones while he’s possessed by Voldemort, which allow him to pwn the Dark Lord and boot him out. That touches my cold, dead heart.

Imelda Staunton is also amaze as Umbridge (the series’ true villain) but I still wish they’d cast Matt Lucas in the role in his Marjorie Dawes get-up. That’s how I initially pictured the character! Also, Fred and George’s smackdown of Umbridge is way lamer than it is in the book, but that’s okay, because Fred and George are generally way lamer in the movies than the books anyway.

2. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

My stars, this is a gorgeous film. It’s like watching a painting. Hands-down the best-looking entry in the film franchise. And, at the risk of going all emo on you, it’s so beautifully sad – Hermione’s tears over Ron’s tryst with Lavender, Draco pondering the weight of the task Voldemort has thrust upon him, and (oh this scene is wonderful) Harry confronting Slughorn about what Lily’s death really meant to him. (Such acting in that scene, incidentally. Aah, Jim Broadbent.)

But it doesn’t drown in angst, either, which is surprising for an instalment that ends with the death of a treasured character. It’s funny. Won-won! Cormac being a(n incredibly good-looking) d-bag!

It’s a shame the film botches Dumbledore’s death so badly: in the book Dumbledore stuns Harry so he can’t do anything while his beloved headmaster is murdered, while in the movie Harry just watches. And does nothing. Which is completely in character, except it isn’t. Like, okay, movie-Harry is even more of a dopey lump than book-Harry³, but even he wouldn’t just stand there gawping while dark wizards attacked.

1. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

This is my favourite book, too. It raises the stakes of the series significantly, lifting it out of Middle-Grade and into Young Adult, and the film does the same – the opening scene of Harry playing with his wand under his bedsheets (subtle) has more depth and subtext than the previous two films combined. Thanks, Alfonso Cuaron!

He shifted the series away from “bright and superficial” and into “dark and moody”, pioneering the shadowy look that peaks in Half-Blood Prince. Most importantly, this film that works best independently of its book – it doesn’t have so many of the  “You’ve read it already, so we won’t bother explaining this plot leap” touches⁴ – except for how they gloss over explaining all the Moony/Padfoot/Wormtal/Prongs backstory, I guess.

Major con: screenwriter Steve Cloves giving “If you want to kill Harry, you’ll have to kill us too!”, one of Ron’s best lines, to Hermione. Of all the Cloves-obviously-despises-Ron moments, this is the worst. (Well, maybe second to that bit in Hallows, Part 2 where Harry and Hermione dance together; if Cloves had had his way, they totally would’ve pashed.)

Other major con: the unidentified fat black kid in Trelawney’s class who pops up, plays Exposition Fairy about the Grim, then never appears again. I don’t know why, but that really annoys me.

Previously: Dumble-war: Michael Gambon vs Richard Harris

1. Of course there’ll be an extra movie to wedge in there once Part 2 is released on home-entertainment media, but you can squeeze it in! [↩]
2. This is all relative, of course; it’s only lame compared to the radness of the other books. And because it has Dobby in it. [↩]
3. This isn’t snark, this is stating a fact. Harry is… kind of dumb. Go re-read the books/re-watch the movies if you don’t believe me. [↩]
4. The worst of which comes at the end of Goblet of Fire, where Dumbledore is all like, “Aah yes, priori incantatem”. Everyone who’s not read the book is all like, “WTF?” [↩]

Tags: Chris Columbus, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, North by Northwest

This entry was posted on Friday, July 29th, 2011 at 5:47 pm and is filed under Movies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.